12/15/13

away from bitter


I didn't mean to not blog last week.

It wasn't a matter of writer's block; I have plenty to write about. It was a matter of time block. I didn't have space for a lot last week and unforunately blogging (and sleep) were the things to go.

I missed blogging and not being able to do something I really love, as well as feeling limited and unable to do a lot of things that I wanted to do, left me feeling bitter.

Bitterness is a horrible thing. Even the word-- that double "t"-- sounds harsh. There's no softness. Bitter is a biting ache that seeps in and stays awhile. I'm embarrassed to admit, it's something that I've been struggling with quite a bit this month.

I let myself get upset, or jealous, because the shop has been in a busy season- - almost too busy and overwhelming -- my day job has felt like a lot. And other things have piled up on my plate and while these towers of tasks seem tall, I have not worked at all to look beyond them-- to see the good things in my life.

This preoccupation with all.of.the.things on my plate paired with a deep-seated exhaustion is what makes me bitter.

I feel bitter toward myself -- that I choose to put so much on myself -- and bitter toward others who I imagine living much more carefree lives. And then I get into this spiral -- more and more bitter each busy day. And then there's this moment, where you're like-- "what is the matter with me? It's the Christmas season. I need to feel all of the joy! And drink a latte and see Christmas lights and bake cookies..." and that doesn't really help, does it. It might just make it worse.

But I'm trying to move past it-- to move my little towers of to-do lists aside and see the good in life. It's my prayer right now, that I can see past this moment where I feel overwhelmed, exhausted and undone.

There's a song that we play at church a lot. It was written by one of the church members and the chorus resonates me so clearly with me right now. It's become my anthem:

hold me close, away from the bitter
out of the cold, wash me in the river
lay me beside still water, and green pasture
and I'll find rest,
and I'll find my rest in you.

hold me close by andrew platter


xo, erika




8 comments

  1. that is a nice post/song! don't feel bad for not posting, its nice to be regular but don't feel obligated- only when you truly feel like writing quality. :) have a nice MONDAY!

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  2. It's easy to let the holiday season feel too busy and not have time to enjoy it! I hope you find some time for yourself and get to unwind alongside all those other things on your plate. :) Have a lovely week.

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  3. I've been feeling pretty bitter lately too. At least I'm not alone? It's a hard time of year when you're told to feel upbeat and happy because it's Christmas.

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  4. I can sympathise. I also have very similar feelings a lot of the time. It's sometimes really hard to break out of. I hope you can release it and try to enjoy the rest of 2013!

    Christen
    http://christenlouise.blogspot.com

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  5. It sounds to me like your plate is overloaded, and instead of giving yourself a break you're expecting yourself to be Superwoman in all things. This is hard to hear, I know (it was for me, a few weeks ago), but you can't (and shouldn't) do everything. See only to those obligations you must do, or risk censure/firing/death. And sleep, find things that make you laugh, and respect your body's (and brain's) need to sometimes just chill. *hugs*
    (and forgive yourself if it takes longer than you want it to)

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  6. Erika! its so easy to get overwhelmed at Christmas because there are so many amazing and fun things and then there is the not so fun.. grind things that chip away from the fun things. When I get really over my head I tell myself I can only do my best and do one thing at time. :) You can totally do it.

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oh that's so nice of you to say hi :)
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